Wednesday, September 22, 2004

My Miserable Life

I took a few screening tests on my school's website because I've been feeling a little down lately. Ok more than a little down, but still...I found out that I may have depression, bipolar disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. Wonderful. I suppose I should seek some help for this or at least find out what is really wrong with me.

If any of those are correct, its the anxiety one.

Anyway, today as I was discussing my miserable existence with someone, I listed seven things that were on my mind and are probably the cause of everything that is wrong with my head now.

1. I have a strong fear that I will fail my history class. I honestly think I am missing the part of my brain that has to do with remembering historical things. I can remember math formulas and the scientific method and even French things, but I can not remember things like absolutism in France. AND the test is an essay test...way to make things 608 times worse.

2. I have no boyfriend. This leads to no sex and I have been having dreams about it for months now and I don't know what's going on. I realize the reason I have no bf is the fact that I am fat and ugly. This conclusion has led me to start the Atkins diet (maybe) even though you can't eat carrots. I have also been going to the gym with my friends. The ugly part, you can't really do much about so I guess I will have to live with it.

3. My roommate Becca. I would go into intense details, but I won't. Basically, she was my friend and now it seems she ignores me and only hangs out with me when Katie and Kylie are with me. Whatev. You know, I don't have time to deal with this shit. If she doesn't want to be my friend, that's fine, but I have to live with her until May so...

4. We have next to no money. So many people owe my dad money and they're not ponying up the dough. One guy owes him $7000 and another woman owes $2500. She gave him a note saying she would pay $250/month. Fine. So what does my dad get? A check for $150 with no explanation of why she didn't pay the whole amount...Then my tuition bill was due yesterday and when he pays that we'll be $843.50 poorer. Also, we have a huge stack of pills we can't pay. (Sorry to sound like Tanya Tucker.) And my car is broken but we can't get it fixed because that'll be too much and we can't pay it.

5. This is the lamest reason, but it frustrated me. I went shopping for sweaters and couldn't find any that weren't size 0-3. As I said before, I am fat so...The one that I liked and was my size was $118. WTF!!! Who pays that much for a fucking sweater. I found one. After going to about 12 stores. I was so mad. And, I have two pairs of jeans so I thought, "Hey, maybe I can buy some with the little money we have so I do not have to wear the same pair for weeks." No. That didn't happen. Why? Oh because the cheapest pair was $22. Also, no jeans fit me right. I'm in between sizes and I'm not average or short. So I have to buy jeans that are too long and big around. WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. Homesickness: My best friend came up from Florida and totally made me want to be in highschool again with all my friends and family. That's pretty much the whole explanation for that one.

7. I have a major(academic major) crisis. This is complicated so I will give simplified version: I want to be a zoology major, I think. My school doesn't offer it, so I'd have to tranfer. To Maine. If I do that, it will be like starting over and I'd be in the same position I'm in now. Friendless and feeling alone and homesick. Since I'd be in Maine. But the school sounds really cool. I don't know. I need time to think about everything.

I feel like May 2004 came up so fast and I had to choose the direction of my life in 2.4 seconds. I think I settled for the first thing that came to mind: psychology/pre-law and Gannon. I didn't really like it much when I came to visit and it was the only college I visited.

More to come probably...

1 comment:

Rae said...

My dear stef, you are not fat and ugly..jesus. And if you want to lose weight do it to be healthy not to make people like you. People will always not like you for some reason thats just how people are. Also I still need to know your size so I can buy you some jeans. And you are going to college so that one day you will not be so broke so at least look forward to that. As far as your major, I went to a 25 grand business school for graphic design, as much as i enjoy art now im thinking psychology would be good to get into because i enjoy hearing peoples problems. Youll never be satisfied. You should come up here and visit me and we will shop and eat good food and do fun stuff, I could use the company and you could use someone whos just as sarcastic as you to be around.
Ps screw becca she doesnt sound like shes worth the effort